Tag Archives: interpersonal

“A Good Fight” | Essential for Forever Relationships

People, like carriage horses with blinkers on, tend to restrict their social engagement to people and circumstances they find emotionally safe and comfortable. Pugnacious individuals are rare.

horseblinkers

While holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year are perceived and celebrated as family centered and joyous occasions, a common yet under-acknowledged fixture to each–like angel ornaments are to Christmas trees–is interpersonal and familial conflict.

My family is excitedly waiting this Friday’s midnight arrival of our eldest daughter and her husband. Despite only 1,326 miles (2122 km) separating our home from theirs in North Carolina, we’ve not seen them (apart from Skype) since December 2012.

Two days out, minds are singularly and excitedly fixated on the immediacy of family reunion: bear hugs at the airport, as well as laughter and squabbling in the minivan as each one-eighth member of our family vies against other family contenders to inject and condense 365 days life experience into a single 30-minute drive home.

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Inevitably, though–whether a few hours or days into our reunion–differences of opinion and perspective will occur, resulting in varying degrees of conflict.

A South African friend, who our middle child is named after, loved “a good murder” on the telly (TV).

Similarly, contrary to what some people, in particular couples, allege (i.e., that they never fight) it’s my family’s experience that wholeness and longevity of relationship occur only because of “a good fight.”

A “good fight” is

-An oft times emotionally charged conversation over differences of perspective and opinion . . .

-In which everyone involved stays engaged/committed (often through coaxing or by one another’s insistence) . . .

-Despite frequent and intense impulses to flee from the associated unpleasantries of conflict . . .

-And which, persists however long until either respectful and/or affectionate feelings and actions for one another return.

A representative example is Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling) angrily pleading with Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams) to remain with him instead of running back to her fiancé in The Notebook; a romance drama set in the 1940’s, in which a wealthy teenage big-city girl and a much poorer, small-town boy find true love over one summer, and how their ultimate forever love for each other was nearly sabotaged by Allie’s meddling mother and overly austere father.

Toward the end of the movie, the following discourse occurs–

Noah: “Would you just stay with me?”
Allie: “Stay with you? What for? Look at us! We’re already fighting!”
Noah: “Well, that’s what we do! We fight! You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass, which you are ninety-nine percent of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two-second rebound rate and you’re back doing the next pain in the ass thing.”
Allie: “So, what?”
Noah: “So it’s not gonna be easy, it’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me. Everyday.”

Strong, forever relationships are not only messy, but more often than not occur at inopportune moments of life. They require more work (fights) than one has the patience or time to give at the end of an overly crammed work day or week.

Ultimately the potential wholeness and longevity of relationship comes down to whether or not one or more persons really want or value the relationship.

In my family, truth be told, we often frustrate, irritate, and fight with each other.

No, we haven’t to date engaged in physical altercations, or, to my knowledge, rattled off a litany of profanities against one another (although I understand via the sibling grapevine that I have been called “a dick” at least once). One or more of us, however, have been known to slam a door, hurl a hair brush from the car on to the lawn, slam down hard some ready at-hand object like a glass or a book, or get up and stomp away from a discussion while the other person is still talking.

Fingers crossed . . .

So far conflict has only strengthened versus inflicted any fatal blow in all immediate family relationships of mine, although regrettably, it has effectively ended several friendships.

In the case of friendship losses, they resulted in large measure, I believe, because they chose to disconnect . . . to walk away from, and to stop fighting for the relationship.

Evidently the necessary hard work and discomforts associated with conflict–e.g., as in The Notebook, sometimes hearing or sharing the hard and painful truth that one’s being a big pain in the ass, or acting like an arrogant SOB–outweighed for them the value of having relationship.

 

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Numbers | Our (misplaced) Measure of Success

Regrettably, quantifying has become the standard, all-in-all measurement for defining success and identity.  

Quantifying is a global practice, yes, but distinctly North American. Numbers are thought to convey everything important: the all in all of a business’s bottom line; an individual’s legacy or value to society; a sports team’s record; a university’s national ranking; and for some, even a measurement of sexual prowess. Frequently it’s cloaked in the language of “indicators,” such as “economic or performance indicators.”

For example:

Since I’m attempting to re-enter the workforce full-time, everything related to “finding employment” that I read in blogs, books, articles, or hear via webinars suggest that my chances are slim to none of finding prior comparable work if I can’t quantify my work and life experience in such a way as to inform a would-be-employer how I will either make them money or keep them from losing it.

My dilemma?

How do I quantify and communicate a career built to date on the qualitative – aka, interpersonal?

Since the majority of my work experience has been in Africa, it’s imperative that I convey my transferable skills and accomplishments for a North American context and audience.  But how?  

If I were my former Kenya-based colleague, I could display an impressive photographic portfolio of rural children’s community development centers, replete with annualized financial and enrollment figures.

But . . .

Because my skill set resides primarily in the qualitative realm of the interpersonal and intercultural, my challenge is to try and sell what my colleague once described as a “non-sexy” product. That is, he was implying that North Americans like to give and invest in projects and ventures that result in quantifiable and self-branding payback potential (e.g., “Look what we built!”).

Therefore, how do I quantify, for example, a life and work goal – one shared by US Peace Corps – of “helping to promote a better understanding of North Americans to the world,” and conversely “helping promote a better understanding of the world to North Americans?”

“Success” should not be excessively based on quantifiable activities and accomplishments as currently exists.

Equally important are the intangibles such as: lives mentored and supported, local profit and non-profit initiatives empowered, conflicts ameliorated, clients engaged and retained, partnerships mediated and MOAs facilitated, interdisciplinary-interdepartmental-intercultural relationships fostered, and good will, mutual understanding and respect engendered.

An essential problem with the prevailing measurement of success is that people and relationships can’t be quantified – at least easily.  They can’t be framed, stuffed and put into picture frames or hung on walls for donors, investors and the like to copyright or affix their brand logo.

A final example, yesterday my wife was one of 64 MSN graduates from The University of Texas’ School of Nursing. Also graduating were 7 PhD’s, and 76 BSN’s. One graduate from each degree program, plus two alumni, were recognized as “outstanding.” The 5 had the honor of sitting on stage among faculty.

graduation

“Outstanding” was (apparently) determined based on: 1) International service – mostly Africa. 2) Service that benefits the many under-served populations. 3) Prodigious research and publications. 4) Highest grade point average. And, specific to the alumnus: 4) Management oversight of millions, and in one alumnus’ case, billions of dollars.

I highlight my wife’s commencement’s traditional pomp and ceremony to make a point:

America’s over-zealous valuing of and reliance on quantifying – whether it’s in the area of work, resume/curriculum vitae, study, life, church, et cetera – is less reflective, to me, of how “outstanding” a candidate, corporation, body, team or country is or could possibly be.

Rather, it’s more reflective of how unskilled and uncomfortable we have become with the interpersonal.

It’s my opinion, that frequently to most often times, “outstanding” people, projects or achievements attain this fleeting accolade at the expense of others and relationships, whether it be work/study colleagues, spouse, children.  

It’s as if we have learned to deflect our many painful and failed relationships by throwing up smoke screens of numbers. Instead, we pour our energy, time and focus into activities and achievements, all of which are more easily controlled, manipulated, rewarded and promoted or publicized.

Impartially speaking, of course:), I believe my wife attained “outstanding” status, in that, she completed a difficult 3-year graduate studies program; she did so during midlife and after birthing and raising 5 children – plus, as of yesterday, 05/18/2013, she succeeded in staying married to the same, sometimes cantankerous man for 28 years!

But then . . . who will ever know about many of her “outstanding” candidate qualities because they are not quantifiable according to standard curriculum vitae or certificate of merit protocol!

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Filed under Africa, Life, Perspective, Relationships, Success

More Conversation and Candor, Please

This blog is an appeal for change.

As individuals, groups, communities, societies, even corporate and government, let us please resolve differences of opinion and feeling by a commitment to and practice of “More Conversation” (MOCO) and “More Candor” (MOCA). 

Candor – i.e., frank, sincere, open, transparent, blunt, direct, plainspoken, honest, and forthright.

Like Nike’s “Just Do It” campaign/slogan, why don’t we more often “Just Say It”?

“MOCO” is from Liz Ryan’s Harvard Business Review Blog, “We Approach Diversity the Wrong Way.”

As for “MOCA” . . . as Mike Myers, aka Austin Powers might express it, “It’s my own acronym, baby!”

My appeal for a MOCO/MOCA commitment might on the surface seem silly.  A no-brainer. Yet is it?

My point is this:

Unlike in many African and Asian countries, in much of the so-called Western world there are few, if any, cultural or social norms that exert pressure on individuals or groups to stick with and work through interpersonal conflict.

-Your best friend says or does something that hurts, offends or disrespects you? Disengage. Find another.

-Your pastor frequently speaks on topics that trouble your conscience?  Leave and find another church.

-Your parents persist and insist on managing your life? Go live elsewhere.

-Your neighborhood is morphing into a racial and cultural hue of a different kind? Relocate.

-Your spouse cheats on you?  Forget the kids’ well-being or any extenuating circumstances that precipitated this hurtful indiscretion, divorce the good-for-nothing. Refuse any efforts to reconcile.

Working through disagreement, differences and conflict is more often than not all-consuming for a time.

Sometimes sustained dialogue is unsuccessful in resolving differences, yet it often results at a minimum to understanding and respect for the other’s position.

Yes, the process of sustained engagement and dialogue might leave one feeling physically and emotionally comparable to clothes having been wrung through an old wringer washing machine. And, yes, I realize that life’s pace and socio-political complexities don’t always allow for such privileged hashing out of differences.

I’m not suggesting that we shout more, or be even more of an ass toward others than we already might be.

I am asking that we commit more time, effort and compassionate/empathetic candor to resolving differences and disagreements.

It might not make us popular in the short-term, but it will improve our long-term credibility, as well as strengthen relationships.

Perhaps Wendy Lea’s (CEO of Get Satisfaction) responses about entrepreneurship to The New York Times’ Adam Bryant are a fitting closure:

“If you think there’s a problem, there is. If your instincts say there’s something wrong, there is, and the longer you wait to tackle it, the worse it gets. I’m so tired of having to relearn that lesson. . . . I am open and willing to tell the truth that you need to hear, and I expect people to do the same with me.”

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